That word you keep using… I do not think it means what you think it means.

Headhunter email. Title: Fantastic remote working opportunity!

Me: Hi, I might be interested in this role. Could you tell me a little more about it?

Recruiter: Sure! The company’s office is based in the east wing of a stately home. It’s right in the middle of the countryside but the house itself is surrounded by beautifully kept gardens so there’s great opportunities to explore during your lunch breaks…

Me: But it’s remote working, right? How often do folks have to go into the office?

Recruiter: Oh no, you have to be in the office everyday.

Me: So it’s not remote working?

Recruiter: Yes, it’s a very remote location!

Me: Thank you for your time.

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Memory upgrade required

I’ve had an interview and it went well. The interviewer made it clear he wanted me to progress to their final stage. After the interview I check in via text with my recruiter who had asked me to keep him in the loop.

Me: Hi [Recruiter]! Just to let you know that the interview went pretty well. They told me that they’d be getting in touch with you to arrange the next interview with me.

Recruiter: Great news! I’ll contact [Company] this afternoon and give you their feedback.

Today – voicemail.

Recruiter: Hi it’s [Recruiter]. I didn’t hear from you yesterday and I did ask you to let me know how it went. Please call me as soon as you get this.

Text message.

Recruiter: Hi – didn’t hear from you yesterday. Call me ASAP.

Me: Sorry, I thought the text message telling you about the interview was sufficient. I’ll be free to talk at lunchtime.

This seems worrying…

Email title: New contract in [Location]

Recruiter: I have this great contract that looks like it might be right up your street. Check out the attached specs!
*attaches the resumes of four male civil engineers.

Me: Hi I think you’ve attached the wrong files. These are other people’s CVs.

Recruiter: So what do you think of the contract?

Me: …is this a hitman contract?

Note: Joking aside I’m actually quite concerned at the company’s handling of CV files. I now possess the names, addresses and contact details for four complete strangers. The recruiter never got back to me.