Could you also hold up today’s newspaper?

Recruiter: Oh yes, one last thing. Just send us a selfie when you get to your interview.

Me: Pardon?!

Recruiter: You just need to text or Whatsapp us a selfie when you’re at the office safely.

Me: No, I’m not going to send you a selfie, that’s just bizarre!

Recruiter: It’s our policy.

Me: It’s not law though so I’m afraid I still won’t be sending you a pre-interview selfie.

Recruiter: But…

Me: Copy my LinkedIn photo if you desperately need my photo.

Tech people only wear sweatpants

A recruiter calls to prep me for my upcoming interview:

Recruiter: …and if they ask you what your greatest weakness is think of a negative and turn it into a positive!

Me: Mmhmm

The recruiter is being very patronising – this isn’t my first rodeo by any means.

Recruiter: And what were you planning on wearing to the interview?

Me: Clothes…

Recruiter: Ahahaha yeah good but seriously, what were you thinking of wearing?

That word you keep using… I do not think it means what you think it means.

Headhunter email. Title: Fantastic remote working opportunity!

Me: Hi, I might be interested in this role. Could you tell me a little more about it?

Recruiter: Sure! The company’s office is based in the east wing of a stately home. It’s right in the middle of the countryside but the house itself is surrounded by beautifully kept gardens so there’s great opportunities to explore during your lunch breaks…

Me: But it’s remote working, right? How often do folks have to go into the office?

Recruiter: Oh no, you have to be in the office everyday.

Me: So it’s not remote working?

Recruiter: Yes, it’s a very remote location!

Me: Thank you for your time.

You’ll apply whether you like it or not

Phone call.

Recruiter: Hi, so I saw your CV on [well known recruitment site] and it looked like a perfect match for a role that [company] is trying to fill so I sent it over to their hiring team and…

Me: Wait, what? You already sent over my CV?

Recruiter: Yes and the feedback is really positive and…

Me: Hold up. You can’t just give my CV out to people without my permission! What if I’d already applied to [company] or I had reasons I’d never want to work for [company]?!

Recruiter: Sorry, we like to get the ball rolling as soon as possible.

Me: That’s incredibly inappropriate. Please rescind my application from [company] at once.

Recruiter: But they really want to interview you!

Me: I have no interest in applying for them.

Recruiter: They’re a really good company to work for.

Me: They’re an hour and 45 minutes commute away.

Recruiter: Oh. Yeah, sorry.

I just know that the recruiter will have misinformed the employer as to my reasons for rescinding my candidacy.

Memory upgrade required

I’ve had an interview and it went well. The interviewer made it clear he wanted me to progress to their final stage. After the interview I check in via text with my recruiter who had asked me to keep him in the loop.

Me: Hi [Recruiter]! Just to let you know that the interview went pretty well. They told me that they’d be getting in touch with you to arrange the next interview with me.

Recruiter: Great news! I’ll contact [Company] this afternoon and give you their feedback.

Today – voicemail.

Recruiter: Hi it’s [Recruiter]. I didn’t hear from you yesterday and I did ask you to let me know how it went. Please call me as soon as you get this.

Text message.

Recruiter: Hi – didn’t hear from you yesterday. Call me ASAP.

Me: Sorry, I thought the text message telling you about the interview was sufficient. I’ll be free to talk at lunchtime.